Let me tell you about him, this is my shadow.
My shadow is tall, my shadow is slender, my shadow is my kin, and also one of my loves.
My shadow is naive, my shadow is lazy, my shadow is part of me that I can not shake.
My shadow is worst version of me, he is the part that I hate the most. Though understands me well, we laugh, we vibe, but he is not me, and today, when I think about my shadow, I feel a sense of dread, as if the weight of carrying him is eating me up inside.
All my aspirations to make him better, to make him understand himself, to make him a human being, they are all in vain, cause a shadow is not a human, though he is me, he is not, and as much as I tried. My shadow is comfortable in his own shadowy skin, he is “content”, he is ignorant, he see his flaws but refuse to take any step, to take any help, not even to help himself. Cause despite all the delusions that I hold, as much love that I was there to give, as much hope I myself can muster, a shadow is a shadow, on a different plane, separate from my own, forever trap in their bubble dimension.
I have forever held out my arm, calling to my shadow: “Come here, try”, I would say.
But forever “No” is all he ever says.
My shadow is stubborn, my shadow is stupid, my shadow is a fucking child.
Even if he is real, I could not pull, for as long as he does not take what I give.
Let me tell you about my shadow.
If anyone ever ask who are ones of my most hated people, surely my shadow is one of them. And if you ask who are the ones I love the most, my shadow is also up there, amongst the people I hold dear.
If I have just one toxic relationship in my life, my shadow and I would be one of them. Love hate is such a pain to bear. I wish I could leave him, but he is family. I wish I could forget him, but I always want to wish him well.
I wish I could lash out and fucking tell him how incredibly stupid of a pathetic loser he is, but alas I know all these words means nothing, like talking to a wall, a shadow does not listen.
I wish he listens, that he loves me, that he cares about what I think, what anyone thinks, that he is mature enough to take care of himself, and that he does not self sabotage be so ignorant. That he shows a glimmer of hope and not all just despair, not just so apathetic towards life. Like a flat line on the bed of a dead man, my shadow does not live, he exists, but does not enjoy, he laugh, but is not happy. He is smart, but in all the wrong ways.
And he is silent, he has near to no thoughts, he worries but with no direction, with no resolve, with no vision or effort. He’s a shadow that wobbles next to me, never reaching out to touch more than what he already have.
My shadow never won any battle, yet he is defeated. He yielded to his own mind and mediocrity. And that’s not even the worst part.
The worst part of my shadow is that he is egotistical. That he believes that he should be able to do more, that he is capable and smart, that he looks down on other people’s opinion but his own. That means he’s so stubborn, so infuriatingly stubborn.
- What’s worse than a lifeless shadow?
- A hard-headed prick of a shadow, of course!
My shadow does not take advice, my shadow does not listen to reason. My shadow lashes out on criticism, even on constructive, or even light suggestions. My shadow is the worst person that I have ever met, by a long mile, my shadow lives a life worse than death. Yet he is my shadow, and I cannot forsake him.
This has always been my faith, to love the worst person that I know, not many share this burden, and I am lost, my brain races to find the solution, but none has been found. All that I tried, all rejected, useless, ignored.
What worse faith there is for a believer to love what they despise? If a Christian were to love the Devil, isn’t that a life worse than death? Forever torn.
Let me tell you about my shadow. And why do I care !!
What difference does it make for me if my shadow changes or not? Why would anything here make me upset, why am I upset?
I should not be.
But I am.
Would a mother not be upset if her son is so far from what she imagine?
Would any father feel no pain if their kin strays?
Would your family be your family if the love is, well, one sided?
For what ever twisted reason, I care. I love my shadow. I wish I did not.
I wish it was just an it, but unfortunately, he is a he. And we are forever bound, man and his beast. Intertwined, sinking ship.
I see a man in my shadow.
I alone is the singular person that trusts he can be more
I alone see his flaws and what he can do to be better
I am his only true friend, I am the closest.
I, was the only one, ever to extend my arm, screaming for him to come back. Over, and over and over and over and over and over over over and over again !!!
But my shadow, my shadow is scared of the light, and he does not want my help.
My shadow loves me. But he does not show it, he does not convey it well.
He appreciates, but only ever so slightly.
He does not know what he wants to be, and he rather die not knowing.
My shadow is a bitch and he knows it.
That is what my shadow chooses to be. And I cannot change that.
I, am disappointed of my shadow. Deeply upset by who my shadow is. As I said, I tried, a million times, one dream, never changed. If my shadow is a person, a smart one, no one here will ever be an idiot.
And why such obsession? Why so much hate? sadness, judgement? Why him?
There’s so many other people?
Of course the obvious reasons i’ve already listed above, many times, but one more is this.
He is me. I see me. He is my shadow, he is the reflection of me. And every time I look at him, I see the me I hate the most. I see the version of me that I least want to become. I see everything of me that I wish I did not have, everything I worked on to be better, I see in my shadow. I see my lost self, I see my problem, I see my own demon, right beside me. Yet I cannot chase it away, I cannot leave, and I cannot change it.
My shadow is the image of me I left behind
He is the introverted odd one out when I was 12 years old
He is the game addict that I was at 15 years old
He is the cocky yet blind self reflection of my 16 years old
He is the immature kid my 18 years old me was all those time ago
I grew, bit by bit, through my own trauma and setbacks to leave those behind. Yet my shadow, he never changed, life never forced him to, and he never wanted to tried for any reason at all.
My shadow is a child, he is forever 12 years old.
He is small, he is full of fear, and his ego blinds him.
All I want for him is to not be my shadow, yet he might just forever be one.
Then, come the realization, which is the story of recent few days.
First I should mention that I have my own life, I am not a strong man, and that realization came early many years ago when I had to deal with my own trauma and struggles.
I realize easily then I could not carry my shadow and all the ones that do not align with my goals.
I keep them away. I keep them at arms length for my own good, I chose my life over anyone, even my kin, even my shadow.
I turn on the light in a dark room sometimes to talk to him, see where he’s at, but I do not attempt to pull him up, not like I used to, I check in and help, sparingly, letting him progress through his life, at his own pace.
That’s where he was. But recently I connected with my shadow again, and that “hope” came back, I have all these thoughts again.
- How could I help him?
- What should we do together?
- Let’s try to get him to try this, that, those?
- Let’s talk and figure it out !
And you probably guessed how that went. Burned I feel, again. Slamming my full energy and patient against a brick wall. Once again that love turned into hope, I tried again, to make the shadow a human, and I failed, that troubles me deeply, it sour my taste and makes me feel defeated, disrespected. Rejected !
That’s why I must write.
To remind myself who my shadow is, and how, we should be together.
The thought of writing this emerged two hours ago when I was in emotional turmoil, unable to place my anger and disgust, i needed a way out. To vent and cope I guess.
But before I started writing, the wise Youtube told me why.
- You cannot change a person who wish not to be change!
- You cannot control anyone, but yourself, you and you alone!
- You could never carry some one, that will drown you!
- If you wish to help, maybe offer your service, but never, never let them drown you!
- And finally, you are not responsible for ANYONE. Even your own shadow!
And here I am telling myself the same thing. This I need to remember, because my love is a blind thing, makes me stupid, it burns me up and leave me gasping for air. There are people who are deserving, but there are ones who do not. So I love, but this one, I must guard. You are not worthy, and I need to stop treating you as special. My hands will be there, but only when you ask, my words will be there, but to guide and not to push, not to beg, not to plead to you who do not listen. I will save you one day, but you will not drown me, if you are to be saved, save yourself, and I will help.
Pull me down any more and you will drown alone, I would always save myself first. So rise with me one day, or die alone in your struggles.
Do not expect to be carried, that I will do no more, like every other times I have came to this conclusion. You will have to choose to live one day. I’ll remind you to try, but whether you try or not, I must not care. I will do my best to be patient and calm and not lash out at you, to not be overly emotional when faced with your despondent. But the rest will be yours. Like how a man need to choose his life one day.
The saying is “Here’s my two cents, do with it what you choose”. The cents will come when I have some to spare, what you do does not matter. Maybe one day, you will choose to live.
Maybe for the first time in your life. You would choose yourself.
Live, dear shadow, Live!
You would likely never read this, my shadow, but I hope you do one day.
Yours.
body